and so I gave peace a chance

Today I felt like I was ready for the world to turn on itself.

Looking at pictures and writing and working a feeling of accomplishment is settling in. The things I wanted
to discover about myself and the world here in this opportunity have happened, and whatever extra things
I happened to experience outside of those expectations have been very big blessings.

But today for the first time I felt like it's time to let the winds blow my boat to other lands. Over the
past few days I've been saying that I'm sick of this place, that I want to get out of here, but today
I feel like it's time.

After an amazing theater workshop that turned my mood on itself and made me smile for the first time
in a while, I was walking for dinner from my house and I felt grad to be exactly that. The world will
turn on itself. My world, my space and the places I've seen and been will collapse onto each other and
become memories for me to carry wherever my choices and those of others that affect me will lead.

I last week I felt like I had broken-up with MUWCI, now I feel like I'll remember it as the pictures of
an amazing trip I did, that was horrible at times, but from which I preserve amazing life lessons and
friends.

The mere fact that I'm looking at options outside of this place with such peace and eagerness show me
that I'm growing more and more ready to spread my wings again. Of course, it will be extremely hard to
leave this place and all of the people I met here only to find some of them outside of this beautiful
hill. But that's just the way life works, we move on, we keep our friends, or not.

I feel more and more thankful for this feeling. For it will let me leave my place here in peace, and I will not
leave MUWCI like I would leave out of a cage, running for freedom. I will pack and probably cry my eyes out
on the last weeks, but I will look onto the future (wherever and whatever that entails) with a smile.

High Hills

I went on a walk yesterday. It was meant to be a hike, a hike to stay at the top of Mt. Wilkinson and get the f*ck away from the pressure of this place. But we didn't have enough water. So we walked I think 1/4th of the way, and sat there talking about things on a sleeping bag on top of the dry weeds. Probably there were snake nests below us.

Then we came down to a clearing, next to the shiva shrine. From there I could talk about things, and literally let out whatever my chest was generating inside me beyond the air I exhaled. And I talked to my friend about how I felt. Drained, exhausted, left at point zero. Powerless. Buzz lightyear finally exhausted his batteries, or maybe someone just pulled him by the string in his back. There were two snake skins next to the place where we were laying, and there was the sky above us. The moon was nowhere to be found, maybe she was also hiding because she didn't know what to do.  I stayed on the ground looking at the star, and I told my friend that one of the reasons I was keen on getting my glasses was because I couldn't see the stars without them.

I was laying on top of the sleeping bag, looking at whatever my eyes were perceiving in that blinding darkness because the moon refused to shed light on me. I was pouring words and feelings out. But the feelings kept coming back, I was a sacred elixir that never emptied its carry. Finally he asked me to close my eyes and focus, and I felt all those feelings were in my forehead. Then I was asked to give those feelings a color. I felt like I was looking at water from below the surface. When the little waves crashed against each other, they turned black as they came back. The right side of the water was green, the other side was yellow; so no, I couldn't pick a single color, since the colors were as complex as the knot I had created inside and around me.  I was also asked to give a texture, but I couldn't find the words to explain I feeling I had when I touched the essence of that feeling, even if I saw a hand dipping into it and feeling it amongst the tips of its fingers.

Then my friend asked me to sit straight, and close my eyes again, and think of my favorite place in the world. My thoughts went to my aunts' house, but I remembered that when I've been there it's because I've needed to get away from problems, not because there were no problems at all. So I went backwards, way far in time and memories, and I found my little room. The room where I used to play with building bricks which were red and blue and green and yellow. That was my space where nothing else mattered, and there were no problems till the day the black came into my life as an inkload.

In there, I saw my forehead filled with this liquid, which was now white. My forehead was filled with the liquid, and I saw it being slowly drained, like a thick milk through my cheeks to my arms and out through the tips of my fingers inside my fists. It was dripping into the grass, because I couldn't feel the sleeping bag anymore. I was empty for a second, and then I was asked to think of another liquid, a nicer one, and I thought of a slightly greenish water, almost like the one you would use to make bubbles. Light as a tea but with a slightly artificial color. I imagined the liquid filling my forehead and even the channels till the tip of my fingers.

And I opened my eyes.

And my friend was still there, sitting on his backpack, and I could almost completely describe his outline in the dark, because the moon wasn't there.

Mal sabor de boca

Hoy hace una semana comenzo una de las semanas que me han dejado con el peor sabor de boca al terminar una semana.

Ha sido ya casi una semana desde algo que comenzo como una propuesta para quedarnos un par de dias mas en el campus despues de la graduacion, que se volvio en una impresion de que el director nos habia engañado, a una guerra de e-mails (al mejor estilo juego de ping-pong) a una reunion de estudiantes que nos unio y a una reunion de colegio que quebro algo en la comunidad (no se esta muy seguro sobre que fue lo que se quebro). Luego paso a un dia de ermitaño y a una tarde de tareas y una reunion con el director y una pelea con el venezolano y otra fase de ermitaño y todo todo todo todo todo todo todo que me harta y que por eso me voy a la montaña mañana por la noche.

a week back and the world has changed on its tip

A week back here is a long time. Many things happen, you get happy, tired, pissed and angry with yourself. Right now I'm the last phase of these. Yet once again I did something stupid, or said something I should have, or failed a paper.

On monday I was tired of being here, even if the night before I had an amazing butter-melting talk with someone I like. Then on Tuesday I stressed out about my Econ paper (or better said, how bad it went), then I started speaking to my teachers about my grades, and on Wednesday I came to the conclusion that I have to sit and work more regularly this term. I got a post-it that turned my head around, but it also pushed me to take a call. Then on Thursday I was pissed again at people here, more specifically faculty, new faculty, and I also got excited because my CI is up and running again. Finally today I'm pissed at myself, and thinking again about the future, and about what I did wrong, and about why I still want to be here, and about the amount of work I´ve kept postponing this week.

I think it's time for me to grow up and start thinking more before speaking. I think it's also time for me to start working as much as I should.

Probably this is one of the last large lessons I´ll learn from being here. A time comes when the things we don't want to face are inevitable, and they're coming, no matter what we do, or say or think, they're coming. We have to decide what do we want to do when those come.

90 ways of thinking and feeling

the 90th entry goes for the same number of ways of looking at and thinking about muwci right now.

i could definitely stay and travel for three or four more weeks with no shelter for the night and no meal garanteed, maybe for the thrill of it or maybe because it represents not going back to muwci for a while. it's a peter pan feeling i think.

the last term at muwci has finally come, i think i can associate each of my terms with a part of the trimurti, the 1st, brahma, creation, the term of discovery, shock and starting a new life from zero. the 2nd, vishnu, the conservation, the time when things seemed eternal and yet they were not. the term i've been the most homesick so far, and the term that has felt the longest, in which i got closer and closer to my friends (particularly my now gone second years). the 3rd one was mayhem destruction and dance, like shiva. the hardest so far, and the one that i've also enjoyed the most. the one where i realized my second years were gone, and because of that destruction came to the muwci i had known before this term. now... even the future is laid out, so what's there to do for the 4th one, the last one, the best one (as i want it to be).

i feel sad deep down because i'm going to miss this place, but i also feel like i'm getting fed up with it slowly. i couldn't take one more year i think... i also have a lot of plans and new things i want to do, but i want to preserve what i have and i also know that it's the one where i have to wrap up many things.... maybe i'm done with everything and will achieve moksha.

also i think that if the day before i came to india for the first time, and the week before i left back for guate last year where a whirlwind of mixed feelings, this term that trouble will be my friend.

reading books and buying them and reading reading and learning stuff has shown me a growing side of myself.

and well, while yes, i have a lot of work to do and my mini peter pan scheme is a way of TRYING to get away from that, i also miss the people, and i like this state of knowing when i'll see them again, while when i see them again right now, i'll do it in mind of knowing i'm leaving that place in may.

there's plans for the future (including a year in guatemala) which are scary but in place, and that i'm also looking forward to.

i'm not too sure about if the things i want to regain where ever there, but i guess can only find out.

travelling with rickie and victoria proved to be a nice experience, all and all, and i'll include bits and pieces of my writings on a little red notebook here soon, which is why there was no emotionally charged and epiphany-style note this year here on my blog.

happy new year!