Every ending had a beginning

I've been talking to a lot of people about my next phase. The summer program came and left, with sweet and sour instances stuck into my cheeks and my bones. Now, tonight, is my last night in here, in MUWCI, el pais de las maravillas, en mi casa.

Now I think I just ran out of energy to keep trying to make plans.  I think I will just let it hit me like a bullet in the back, and deal with the consequences. Midnight has come, it has come and left with all of its magic and wonder, that time in which things seemed to be eternal but they weren't quite so, and that made them more beautiful.

My future has a name, a place and many nationalities.

What I take from this place... friends. Lessons. Inspiration. Ideas. Confidence. Problems. Questions. Languages. Songs. Paintings. Food. Clothes. Rocks. 50+ kgs of luggage.

I find it funny when I see a picture of myself from two years back and people don't believe it's me.

I am scared, I think, because home does not seem to be the break that it should be, particularly with the politics of prejudice and bending backwards involved.

COA... I think I might have rushed into it a bit too fast to see what I was doing exactly, and now that I have time to look at the clear picture, well, it begins to show other colors. But then again, how many of my coyears didn't do so as well?

My grades gave me that sense of achievement, of feeling that I actually CAN achieve the things I want to if I work hard for it, it's a simple and complicated as that.

I like what Ritu said the other day about ghosts, I think I've seen many of them around lately, saying goodbyes and hellos (particularly in front of the med center).

Dear Hill, I will see you in some years, we will both probably have changed, but I hope you know how much I loved living here and how much it changed me. I hope you continue to change your wardrobe and by doing so you are able to give shelter and things to think about to more teenagers who want to save the world. Thank you for taking me with such a cozy embrace all throughout my time here. Much love, Khristian

...and for the future, well, we'll see how it all goes.

See you all (if any readers left) in another blog, in another place and another space. Thank you for adding an audience to this experiment. :)

Varuna and Asi

This is the name of the two rivers that meet at Varanasi, Benares, Banaras, or whatever. A lot of it seemed like concentrated India. I think it's by far the most intense city I've been to.

Picture this stage.
Street: No asphalt, hot, dust and dirt, people from the shops from both sides of it throwing water so that the wind won't raise the dust from the ground.

People: Yelling, with clothes from all colors, a kid with a cobra begging - almost demanding - money, a pack of tanarickshaw-wallahs offering to take you

Heat: 41 daggers penetrating your skin.

Shiva dances his dance of change and destruction, in an endless choreography over the streets of this town. Everyone moves along the roads, without crashing, bumping only to show this is the most that can go wrong in this show.

Manikarnika Ghat, corpses being eating away by a yellow and red beast, only to leave their bones, which will go back into the Mother.

Y asi va el mes.

I'm writing in a better mood now, the cities and the things we've seen have lifted my mood quite a bit, and this entry I write is a month away before my flight leaves to go back home, leaving India behind for a while.

Calcutta was fantastic, the people were nice, and I think it's one of the few cities in the world where I would move later in my life. It has a metro, but also tana rickshaws (rickshaws pulled by men on bikes), autorickshaws, buses, taxis, even one of those train like things that cross the streets (tranvia en español), so it has quite a diversity of ways of getting around. We met people that went out of their way (like elsewhere in India) but in a really generous way to help us. The food was fantastic, the Bengoli thali is so gooood, and it kept reminding me of Guate.

I bought some Tagore books, and we went to the Victoria Memorial. It's impressive to see how power can be dangerous, and how India, as I read in another website, instead of changing its own culture to adapt with the times of the world, absorbs bits and pieces of other cultures. The history of the British Raj inside the European-looking memorial for a Queen who died 30 years before it was done was quite a good read, and I could learn about the development of the intellectual Bengali Renaissance, which shapes many forms of modern Calcutta and India. I've delightfully read Tagore's short stories, along with Amitav Ghosh's Sea of Poppies on the trip, and that I think also added to how much I've enjoyed my time at Calcuta.

The hotel where we were staying was quite interesting, small, dingy rooms were covered with writings and drawings in many languages and scripts, from people as far as 10 years ago I think, writing about life, ecumenism, peace, fairies, "I OHM YOU" and things like that. I left a message for any Guatemalan that crosses that room 22 on the rooftop. The weather was a lot more bearable than in Bhubaneshwar, so that also helped. ANDDDD I had the best chicken rolls I've eaten in India, at the A1 Roll Corner between Sudder and Lindsay street, just ask around there and you'll find it if you ever go.

Then we set on a bus for 15 hours to go to Darjeeling, "the queen of hill stations" in the same state. After the bus we got a shared jeep to climb up over 1000 kms of height, arriving at a delightful and comforting 20 degrees of temperature.

There, our only problem was to find a room, because it's high season and a lot of Bengolis and other Indians where there for holidays with their families. We bought tea, walked around, stayed at an a-mazing Hotel called Aliment, ran by a Tibetan man and a woman (not sure if they're related). The room where we stayed was mint green, and had wooden insides, with those cliché cabin lodge windows overlooking the hill station (and, on a morning after a rainy night, also the Kanchendzonga, the third highest mountain in the world, with its Himalayan sisters).

We also had momos, and went to a Buddhist Gompa, and a Tibetan Self-help Centre.

Then we came to Varanasi, which is like concentrated India. I love it and I hate it at the same time, "hardcore India" like Yaara said once, I think I would add Hindu to the phrase. I shall leave Benares for the next entry I think, extracted from my notebook.

Beyond the trip descriptions, I've been feeling well, just very hot, but I've enjoyed the trip a lot. It's today a month before I reach home!! I can't believe my time has gone so fast, but a month seems like a good time to have left before going back.

I've been trying to get a tun/steel trunk to use for my luggage, maybe I'll paint a HORN OK PLEASE on top of it if I get it. Any ideas for that?

BhuBhuBhuBhu

We are in the state of Orissa, in eastern India. Drenched by the heat and sweat, these past 4 days have been hell, almost literally, and Bombay was more or less the same. It's been more than a week since we graduated, and a day more than that since we left MUWCI.

Gradually our band of 15+  muwci students was dismantled. First one, then three, then six, then one, then another one, and the remaining three separated. Now it's just me and Maite.  I didn't get to say bye to Becky.

Victoria left last night, and Rickie is leaving today, though I won't be able to speak to him until he's in Costa Rica.

The heat has been, as I said, horrible, and Bhubaneshwar has had some interesting things to offer, but not many. I think it would've been way different if I had come with Ritu.

Tonight we go to Calcutta, we should be there by tomorrow morning.

I am getting a bit tired of being here, after two years. But I am still enjoying myself, for today, 31st May 2011. I have 6 weeks left in India, for a while. I think it will be time to close the blog soon.

Gradually

The trees are swaying with the wind.

This morning it's all silent, it's all sad, it's everyone sleeping or busy.

Our graduation rehearsal is at noon. Our Graduation ceremony is at 2. The dinner at 7 and the dessert at 8. And that's IT.

Graduation, gradually. That's how we are flirting with the idea of leaving, gradually, first not thinking about it. Then slowly embracing the pace of the days as our exams are getting over, and over. Then starting to put things down the walls, and then packing.

Tomorrow we go.

Thus grew the tale of Wonderland:

Thus slowly one by one,

Its quaint events were hammered out—

And now the tale is done,

And home we steer, a merry crew,

Beneath the setting sun.

The first of the last eight nights: Silent Sea

"When we thought we had jumped into the cold water of the ocean, we were actually just on a lake. Good that we learned how to swim."

The sea is silent, the sea is roaring, but it holds so many things inside it. 

Today, I tried to think of the future. 
About the people I would meet, 
and I couldn't.


About the places I would be in, 
but I couldn't imagine. 
So I stopped. 


I have made plans, but I don't really know what will work out and what won't. All I have is the present, is the next week, and nothing else for sure. Maybe not even that. All I can live for is the present. The same lesson I kept learning and learning over and over again this year. Because all we have is the present moment, and whoever is there, and whoever is inside our hearts and minds. 


Now we can't really do anything. It's all been said and done. And the future is pounding on the road, pounding its hooves, and singing loudly about what shape it could have. (Except, unlike in the bird song, I don't know if I want it to shut up). 


India has many a lesson to teach, so does MUWCI. I knew it was a space for me to do what I want, a safe space of freedom to plan my day around it. But today talking to Arpita I realized I never knew what it did to me, until it all had happened. 


I can control so many things I do, but there's many more I can't control that I still do: today I learned these things also affect me back, whether I'm aware of it to not. 


So on the first of the last eight nights, I say: You never can control as many things as you wish you did. And that is good. 

"Life after UWC"

Asi decia un e-mail de Liam hoy.

Tiene nombre! La vida despues de UWC.

Megalomaniaco que soy, nunca me habia puesto a verlo así. Y pues, esque si, habia pensado en la vida en COA, el verano en Guate, pero no el la vida después de UWC. Tiene que llegar. Tenía que llegar. Como siempre me lo dije, tengo los días en India contados desde antes de venir. Y aunque si haya disfrutado cada día casi al máximo, y haya tomado las decisiones con el corazón, y no me arrepiento de nada, duele dejar este lugar.

Pero entonces, ¿Cómo seguimos adelante?

Solo asi. Siguiendo adelante. Llorando, y llevando la tristeza al principio, pero luego recordando los buenos tiempos con una sonrisa. Como ahora yo extraño a los segundos años que quiero tanto, y voy a extrañar a mis coaños, y primeros años.

Creo que esta bien que vaya a la universidad. Tenia un poco de miedo de estar de vuelta en casa, y me senti presionado a hacer una o la otra cosa, pero estoy contento con la decision de ir directo a la U. Ahora me siento desparramado por el mundo.

Ahora me siento que mis raíces siguen siendo chapinas, aunque no lo demuestre tanto, pero no sé de donde son las ramas ni las hojas ni el fruto ni las flores.

Y por lo demas? Seguiremos andando. Ya veremos como va todo. Por cierto, creo que va siendo hora que cierre este blog. Un par de entradas mas luego de graduación creo. 

Postcards from Italy

I remember clearly the night I was told I could come to India. It seemed so remote, a possibility so surprising that it carved a hole deep into my consciousness and my heart. My brother's face went red with surprise, it wasn't what we thought it would be. My mother cried on the phone. She had seen the door before. Should I go?

Then Ana Liz. "Ah".

I though she was pissed at first I remember. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks.

Then my friends. And finally making the choice that Friday afternoon sitting on those beds with my father. "It's really hot there, the food is spicy, and we don't know if you could come back for Christmas". "Are you sure?". Yes I was.

...That plane, NEW--BOM. Its size pushed me to the limit and ask myself whether I was sure of what I was doing. I wasn't. And I was already there. Ticket bought, bags packed, everything written and sent.

***

I never manage to finish realizing all the consequences of this choice. Now I have things with stories that my family doesn't know.


And now it's only 10 days left. Not even weeks. Days.  :) :( :S :@
Weeks in which things and hours just seem blurry, and something is sitirring inside. 

A week and a half under the thumb.

Now the world is turning on itself.
With a funky flavor and a pinch of salt,
it has gone to the dogs

Little animals living in my hips
are now dancing to the beat
that wakes from this new adventure

Slowly my skin incorporates as well,
every pore rejoices in excitement,
as I embrace that voice

It repeats itself, oh that bloody sound
A voice from the deeps
That makes me pound

Now I have to think of packing
but I don't really want to go
I want to stay and dance

All of my gestures are not enough
to express the joy
of the meaning found in the new sound.

Like a magnesium flare

Like our dear Headmaster pointed out in our last newsletter, May burns with the above description. It's hot, intense, and short. May is special again.

Mayo y las despedidas escribia el año pasado. Ahora es Mayo y me voy, y Mayo y llego.

Our heads bursting with data ready to pour their knowledge on numbered paper to be read by stranger eyes. Things and life is slowly drained out of our houses, concentrated in boxes for things to be given away, and our time to be spent in the library or AQ.

Little settlements have been built in classrooms at the AQ, corners are inhabited by Muwci Librarianis, or people in the library. And the time has come for us to pack, to put all of our belongings into bags and boxes, to wait for life to move on, and new life to come to this place. 

Power(less)

Si, asi me siento. Dos horas antes de mi segundo examen. Dos-Tres semanas antes de irme. Unos dias antes de que todo se termine, y unas horas antes de que de un solo se acabe.

a month's time

Exactly in a month's time I'll be out of this place.

Exactly in a month's time I'll be a few hours old alumni.

Exactly in a month's time I'll be happily done with IB for a while.

Exactly in a month's time I'll know what it feels to be out there missing this place.

In a month's time things will have changed.

Exactly in a month's time the end will come, of something that was one day only a dream.



In a month's time I'll go for another adventure. :)

I'm lost, lost, lost, lost

Nostalgic thoughts and a feeling of despair take over my mind and heart tonight.
I am captive of the future. The hourglass is glued to the table.


Five weeks.
Five weeks.
Five weeks.
Four weeks.

Shit.

"It is almost the end of what one day was only a dream."

Cycles in my head.

The befores, the durings and the afters of INC weekend

This weekend I joined forces with Karen, Lennart, Miika, Phui Yi, Arpita, Padmini, Emilio, Juhi and Tarun Jagwani (02) to take part in the group interviews for the Indian National Committee Weekend. It was actually quite interesting to meet around 120 aplicants from literally all over India (except the Seven Sisters) and to see in them things that had hints and a lot of similarities with how I felt and how I was when I applied for the first and second time to come to UWC. All the applicants also went through interviews with Parag, Zia, Hritik, Subarna, Cyrus, and other teachers from the school, as well as alumni.

All of them want this, they've travelled anywhere from Pune nearby to God's Own Country (Kerala, as Arpita happily would point out) in the far south India. All of them have strengths, you just have to pay attention, but unfortunately only some of them will make it through the selection process. I found some of the most creative responses to super-random questions, met a female breakdancer with Parkinson's disease, and was also an illiterate fisherwoman with breast reduction. It has hilarious at times, very boring at others, and quite shocking as well. However exhausting these three days turned out to be, it's definitely something I would do again. I learned so much about myself and how much I've changed from being here.

I also got closer to the coyears of mine who were doing the selections with me. I found out so many things about them through toilet paper and jokes, and I also learned a little bit about how they think.

Finally, I also had the chance to speak to alumni from quite a while back and heard about how wild things where when they were here.

Yeah, this place has changed, but so have we. Over a weekend or ten years. 

The Bird Song

Another one by Florence and the Machine, its lyrics have really caught my attention.



I wonder if birds can actually see us like that, and if their songs say anything about our nature.

Would you kill a bird if it was singing about your sins?

and so, on the 9th week Cyrus said "Let there be mocks".

The mocks exams' schedule was put up today in the AQ, the Admin and was sent to all year 2 by Sumit (because Susan always forwards the mass e-mails to him, for some reason).

It's the lights up for the stage of the final IBs. The run through whether you know your lines or not. Run fast for your mother and your father. Leave for your love and your loving behind you.

Florence and the Machine says that the horses are coming. Had I found the Dog Days Are Over before coming to MUWCI the dog days could have been the days before MUWCI, and the horses all the things that were coming ahead by coming here. Now the dog days are the days before studying, when my priotities where slightly skewed in another direction, and the horses, 12 papers and an art exhibition & interview are coming. I hear them coming.

I heard Jlo's looking for a job twice today, it might be true. I also heard about the people coming here next year. My square is going to be taken by someone else, my books, ("my" books) my notes, my corner. They're not really mine. I have that illusion. My largest analogy for my time here at MUWCI is that it's like a little life (apart from the analogy that names this blog). You come, you don't know anything, anyone, you learn the way of speaking, you learn the culture, you start making friends, knowing others, knowing yourself, and are guided by others, elders. Then, all of a sudden, life ends for the elders, and you become the elder. You have to guide others, take care of others, but you also influence their views on this place -and you begin to wonder how much of your own views were influenced by the ones before you-. There's constant elements, the space, most of the people who are not studetns, but yet the culture changes slightly between time segment and time segment. Something else, is that you know exactly how much time you have on this land: you could even count your days here. That could give you another look on to your experience here, since you know when you're leaving this place you can live like you're dying, and make the most out of every moment: if you look at life carefully.

Now the time has come where it's hard not to realize the amount of time we have left "alive". The time has come for us to come down and look down on the IB side of life. I've spent my last two weeks studying for the exams that are coming, and I realize that it's time I could have spent travelling or having fun: but then the rest of my time before those two weeks was also time I could have spent studying more. I'm quite happy with my choices, I've mentioned it before. But now, I know when I'm leaving, I know how many weeks, roughly how many days, and it's scary.

It makes me think about what would happen if I knew when I was going to die. I could get depress: or live every day to the fullest up to that point. But, as many people experience here, knowing when and what's going to happen when you leave this place (or when your "life ends" according to my analogy) gives you a fear and a fobia about things related to the end of that life: no one talks about grad, or IBs. That's something that could hinder our lives: it's a fear, it's a fobia, it only holds us back.

Lastly, now I want every morning to be bright.  I want every morning to be beautiful with birds, every day to bring something new, every day intense (because that's one of the things I love about this place) every day to feel alive, before going back into the world never to come back. Of course this is a very idealistic wish, but by working towards ideals people get progress.

Mother India is still there, and I will have another month or so travelling around, so there will hopefully be more updates on that.

Happiness hit me like bullet in the back. Unexpected but strong. One day you realize how comfortable and happy you are in one place (which is in no way perfect and can turn into a crazily architectured cage from one second to the other).

The ladakhis and the strawberries

This Projecct Week I decided to stay on campus, since: first of all I was broke, and second, I art and other things I wanted to work on. The result, a week on an almost empty campus, with few people and very fast internet. As I wrote in the other entry, it was so nice to be on my own without caring much about the theater you have to play when other people are around. Not that I'm fake, but in the sense, being polite, smiling like you mean it, asking and hearing all around the same question. How honest is our community?

Anyway, I got a chance to get to know better some of my coyears and first years, like my housemate Yuan from China. He's actually quite a funny guy! Also Ariuka, Sonam, Rigzin, Bimla the other Sonam and I had dinner under the stars of an almost empty wada 1. We talked for a bit, at some point I was sharing whatever little I know about the Mayas, and she was saying that their culture and cosmology sounds a lot like tibetan buddhism. Point of interest right there.

That was on Monday. On Wednesday we went together to Mahabaleshwar, and I got to see another side of my ladakhi coyears (who are by the way, some of the funniest people I've met). In some ways, going out with them and my 1st year from Zimbabwe, Zibusiso, reminded me of going out in Guate  with my aunts. We can laugh about almost everything, and we have a good time no matter where we're going and how we're getting there.

Rigzen was quite the surprise! I had never seen her snap at anyone, let alone snap in hindi to a seller. Kya tin sau rupees? Bat karo! Humhara pas paise nehi hain, khatam hogia! Or something like that. The funniest thing I've seen in my life.. jajaja

Well, apart from that, good Indian Paneer Makhanwala for lunch on Wednesday, and 3 kilos of strawberries to eat back on campus (that is, if people don't eat it from the fridge before.

I finished almost half of the Chem syllabus, and 2/5 of Econ, 2/7 of Math but that's ok. Then I read a Spanish book I was supposed to read some weeks back, and a few English readings. Of course! Art :) A painting that's going on right now, and some pages of the RWB. We shall see how this thing turns out. I just have to keep going. 

Fear

Miedo, miedo de besarte (8)

Al pasar una semana solo en el campus (con dos dias de por medio en otro lugar) me di cuenta de la libertad de estar solo. Estar con otras personas, por anti social que suene, requiere tanto teatro y tantas normas de conducta: que si le sonríes al que pasa a la par, o vas o no vas al cumpleaños de alguien, o si saludas a alguien o no les preguntás que tal estuvo su dia... sos "descortés". Y si en lugar de eso mejor decidimos dejar de lado las teatralidades y solo preguntar que tal tu travel week cuando de verdad nos importa? Creo que si se acorta el exceso en la oferta de preguntas así, el valor de cada una incrementaría tanto :)

Ahora me he dado cuenta que todavía soy sujeto del miedo. Peur du noir. Anoche caminaba al Art Center con Olivia Ruiz y sus pepitas de miedo en el vientre de música de fondo, y de verdad que mis sentidos se friquearon. No habían luces en el camino, y creia ver sombras o escuchar cosas, o cuando escuchaba algo pensaba que era el paso de alguien, y cuando había silencio total, solo imaginaba el ver una figura espectral enfrente. O como salió en el Pune Mirror el otro día, un fantasma con forma de huevo, mandibulas enormes y ojos rojos. Histeria colectiva? Paranoia por estrés? Juzge usted.

Al respecto del miedo, el estudiar me quita el miedo de los exámenes, el estudiar con tiempo me hace querer hacer los exámenes. Creo que si puedo hacer un buen examen si me preparo lo suficiente. Y lo mejor de todo? Puedo decir que pasé mi tiempo aquí tal como quise.

la claridad y lucidez del descanso

Ahora que me encuentro en mejor estado de energía y descanso mental, creo que puedo sacar de mi cabeza otra entrada del blog, pero un poco más estructurada esta vez.

Que años!
Qué dos años!
Desde la semana de mochileros con Nydia a la pelea de harina y el coqueteo descarado
Desde el mes de viaje por el norte hasta los amigos con los que te duermes para darte fuerza para el próximo dia
Desde los abrazos negados hasta los inesperados y los "Viva"
Las locuras en tren y el chai, lo surreal del principio o lo demasiado realista del final
Decirle a tu maestro de inglés que es a bitch y que sea ese tu pan de cada día
Devorarte un artículo para clase y que nadie más lo haya leido
Las student meetings donde siempre las mismas voces hablan, o se dice lo mismo con diferentes acentos
Ver fotos del año pasado y que se te salte el corazón de la risa y la alegría
Balbucear en idiomas que no entiendo por querer entender mejor la cultura de alguien y llenar ensayos de requerimento
El CALOR! la HUMEDAD! la SEQUIA! las gotas del monzón que cayeron en tu piel y que nunca se sentirán así de libres y distintas entre año y año
El regresar de la caf a comer ensalada o yogurt porque el almuerzo estaba feo
Las especias que se quedan impresas en tu garganta en su camino de ida o vuelta
Los cuartitos chiquititos o la arquitectura loca
La risa de Nydia! La cara de Rickie con el comentario inapropiado! Los ojitos de Victoria!
Las mordidas de Krista, y la risa de Osnat! Las quejas de Aviv! (Lehultzá! Levana! Chará!)
El descubrir otros rumbos de tu piel, y el sentirse perdido flotando en la luna
El ver a tu país desde otros ojos
El verte crecer el pelo y cortarlo todo una mañana impulsiva
El leer libros atrasados y adelantados
El sentirme en el país de las maravillas o en el laberinto del jardín
El planear y planear
El pensar y dejar de pensar
Las pinches aliteraciones y los tés con Amrita
Claro está, la risa de Kiren y los pucheros de Shyamli
Yanna y sus ojos, tambien las risas de Maite y Sofía (especialmente en clase de español)
Moonsooo siempre con hambre
El QUIERES? de Naoko con las Navidades.
Los pies callosos de andar descalzo y quemados por el calor
La botella que huele mal aunque la lave
Las llamadas de skype tarde y los deseos de cosas imposibles
Los cafés con Andrés y Urbano
Pelear con Anu y Arpita y reirnos
Ir con Gauri a que me ordene mi desorden mental (aunque yo sepa como)
El chai a las 3.30 todos los días con Usha!
Los ojos de la gente y el namasté con el corazón
La calidez de los locales que me recuerda a mis locales
Claro los comentarios políticamente incorrectos con Hritik y Subarna (y el magnífico Mousse de chocolate)
Y todo lo demás que gira y deja de girar al mismo tiempo.
Y ahora, lo que dice Yael: it's all ending.. it's over, it's all over.

Aunque no quiera se termina, y creo que es hora de aceptarlo. Aunque quiera convencerme de que tengo muchos dias, son solo un poco más de setenta. Así que este último tirón tiene que ser para bien.

Y mas adelante?

Ahora ya, luego de las 100 entradas, le digo al Yaxcal:

ais

vos me voy

a dormir

con el corazon volando entre alla y aca

y el 1234 y las funciones con estequiometría, pensando en un call center

jaja

y ahora?

y ahora?

y ahora?

dos semanas sin dormir adecuadamente: entre un ensayo del TOK, recuerdo que comi mousse de chocolate, y que dormi en el cuarto de Osnat, hmm tambien pase horas en casa de Michael con las Written Tasks y el Viva Voce que llego despues de media noche. Recuerdo que me peleé con la impresora (y con Word, por pendejo) y que queria ir de Travel Week pero no fui. Ahora recuerdo el principio, los primeros días cálidos y húmedos como Bombay y perdido como habiendo caido por el agujero del conejo: donde todo era maravilla.

Como olvidar los Chem Labs, la falta de sueño y el desorden del cuarto.

Todo bien?

No, estoy cansado.

A donde vas a travel week?

Me quedo en campus

y eso?

bah, crei que necesitaba hacer algo de arte, pero quizás no, igual me quedo.

Vas a salir?

Quizas a Mahabaleshwar, uno o dos días.

Ya.

Y tambien Aviv vuelta loca, enojada y yo burlandome de ella, platicando con Osnat y Yanna, un besito a Kiren. El cumpleaños de Shyamli! y yo sin energías, ya le hare panqueques otro dia, o french toast, con Kate Nash de fondo.

Recuerdo las clases de inglés a lo lejos, uno que otro comentario que me parece cínico de Santiago, Maite diciendome que me vale la clase de español, detalle: saque el libro de La Casa de Bernarda Alba luego de que leimos la escena final.

Planes de Travel Week:

Development Economics, Introduction to Economics

Stoic, Atomic Theory (check), Bonding, Periodicity, Energetics

Functions & Trigonometry

Luces de Bohemia, Esperando a Godot

Global Issues Readings

4 artworks & 30 pages of RWB

claro esta, todo para los mocks.

y pensar en mi. La cancion de fondo que me dejo shaked de feist funciona bien para esta entrada del blog.

Ahora pienso en los call centers para la segunda mitad de este año: de ser IB student a empleado de un call center, la vida de muchos giros: pero quizás valga madres cuando esté en el kibutz. :)

Que más... le escribi a los amigos de la Prepa, y he estado luchando por reencontrar shoreshim de mis amistades en guatemala.

El hebreo! Hoy le escribi las teclas en hebreo a mi teclado, porque ya esta configurado, y porque no quiero olvidar que se leerlo. Hindi será otra historia.

11 semanas.... y contando. 11 semanas y quien sabe cuantas mas entradas.

The River is Right.

Hoy por la ma;ana tuve la opotunidad de asistir a un taller que me recordo una de las cosas mas importantes que he aprendido en India. El taller se centraba alrededor de la premisa de que la tierra tiene cierta sabiduria a la cual podemos acudir para crecer como seres humanos. El facilitador unio esta idea con el arquetipo mitologico del viaje del heroe, que es una historia narrada en historias de civilizaciones antiguas de todo el mundo. Ambas ideas se unen en el punto en el que el heroe tiene que aceptar quien es a traves de ese llamado a la aventura, y en el punto en el que nosotros estamos tan enredados en nudos de nuestra propia creacion y tenemos que aceptar las cosas como son, dejarnos caer por nuestro propio peso, como las aves cuando vuelan.

Basicamente la idea era dejarse llevar. Probablemente no le estoy haciendo justicia con ese parrafo introductorio pero que mas da.

Estabamos sentados en un area en las afueras del colegio, llamada el Sacred Grove, donde hay un viejo altar a Shiva, y un arbol que no fue talado por los indigenas por ser sagrado para la mitologia hindu. Entonces, con el tiempo, el arbol y sus raices se unieron al templo al punto en el que si se tala el arbol se caeria el templo. Es un claro con mas arboles altos, y y donde el viento sopla despacio haciendo vibrar las hojas de los arboles a su paso.

Hubo un punto en el taller nos dieron un espacio de media hora para ir a caminar por ese claro del bosque, a la orilla de una monta;a, a pensar, a ver la naturaleza y quizas tener una conversacion. Pense en las plantas, en los arboles, y pense en cuanto tiempo habra tomado para todas esas hojas se formaran, incluso las que estan en el suelo. Pense en lo lentamente que todo esto fue producido, pero que aun asi, se habia logrado. Y luego pense en el estres que tuvimos esta semana, por el EE, el TOK, los World Lits y todas las cosas que habia que entregar. Me di cuenta que la sabiduria de la naturaleza en relacion a eso esta en que las plantas y los arboles dan su fruto, sus hojas y sus flores de manera constante, nunca lo dejan todo para un solo dia. Claro, las plantas tampoco tienen fechas limite para entregar una tarea, pero esa fecha limite podria ser el dia en que alguien quiere sentarse a admirar la belleza de esa planta o arbol.

A little account about how I feel right now.

A little account of how I feel right now (except a bit more structure).

Tiredness, probably out of the amount of work and things I have done and I have left to do.

A feeling of realization, of the things I’ve discovered and done here. I don’t regret doing or not doing anything.

Wondering about the future, because even though I am going back to Guate, and traveling in India before that, and a kibutz in Israel after that (maybe), and COA after that, I have no idea of what those things actually entail.

Then, silence.

Sometimes tears start encroaching towards my eyes, wanting to jump from there. It would be fine to let them be if that did not stain my feelings for like the rest of the time that I’m not supposed to be feeling bad.

But at the bottom of this I just feel that when this mixture of feelings comes around the corner, everything is so much more intense, and I also start living more intensely. Had I lived in another place I think my reaction towards life would be very different.

We shall see.

Also, about home. Shit, I really feel disconnected from them. It’s a scary thought. I can’t begin to explain to them how much this places means and has meant to me, so that the loss of it will be… devastating I think. Shit. Then I will feel very alone, because the people who will understand me will be far away, and the people who are near me won’t understand. I just hope they’re there. I want to reconnect with people from Guate. Mucho. Pero ya no se, no tengo tiempo o energia o lo que sea para concentrarme en Guatemala por mucho que quiera, quizás lo haga cuando llegue allá.

Necesito algo de transiciion, o quizás no. Quizás lo que necesito es que se acabe de unas vez y por todas. El año pasado fue el salto al otro lado del charco con mis emociones agotadas y despedazadas. Este año tengo un mes de por medio para digerir un poco la situacion antes de irme. A veces me pregunto cuanto me afectaran los compromisos que tengo y que escogi.

Go To The River

Ve al rio, ve al rio cuando te sientas loco y cuando te sientas azul por dentro y cuando sientas que destruye tu mente.

Cuando estés avergonzado, cuando estés triste, ve al rio.

Ve Ve Ve Ve Ve al rio hoy en la noche
y suspira suspira, quiere mas y mas de la vida que tenias antes
deja que las estaciones lleguen y nada, deja que la nieve brille brille
y cuando el viento sople solo fluye fluye,
eventualmente lo sabras.


Algo surrealista, algo triste y algo de confusion porque se asoman las ultimas doce semanas. LAS ULTIMAS DOCE SEMANAS. Con todo y descanso.
Comence un video blog. Lloré un par de veces ya.

Tengo una pilota de trabajo que terminar, pero la voy  a terminar a tiempo. No puedo ni siquiera pensar en que esperar de esas ultimas semanas. 4 semanas de clase. mocks. study leave. IBs. Bas.

Al inicio de este term estaba enojado porque ya me queria ir, y ahora estoy comenzando a estar triste porque ya viene la hora de irme.

Pero ya pensando mas despacio y calmado, me siento amarrado y enojado y agh. Necesito un break o una siesta o algo.
Agh.

Beso.

How much do we actually need to consume?

a few days back I was called hippie because my housemate, Martin, saw a copy of a book I'm reading which is called like this entry.

me causa curiosidad el pensar en mi mismo como un "hippie" por leer libros que no son del mainstream capitalista y consumista

a la vez me doy cuenta que igual consumo mucho, y deberia parar, el libro me va dando un sentido de que veras deberia pensar que es lo que estoy comprando y si lo necesito. no tanto por ahorrar plata, sino por tambien ahorrar recursos

tambien hace un par de dias volvi a enamorarme de mi clase de economia, escuchando cosas como "terms of trade" entendi porque es que no debemos consumir cosas de MNCs grandes y apoyar la economia local. me gustaría mucho saber que puedo crear un cambio en mi pais a traves de la educacion.. pero no se hasta donde llegara el alcance de un joven idealista. me dieron ganas de hacer un infografico sobre porque no deberiamos consumir hamburguesas de macdonald's en lugar de shucos de la esquina, o burger king en lugar del comedor de la señora de la vuelta.

vamos a intentar usar infograficos para mejorar el sistema educativo de guatemala. una afirmacion bastante grande, pero antes las he hecho y no me ha ido tan mal

ahora, hablando de consumir, estoy pensando que deberia dejar de consumir mi tiempo en cosas que no son productivas (para variar). me preocupan un poco mis examenes finales, y siento que debo empezar a darle mas y mas importancia a las cosas que tengo enfrente (comenzando por el EE)

tambien tengo planeado quedarme en travel week aca en campus, necesito trabajar un poco. poquito a poco voy tambien sacando conclusiones de las cosas que me llevo de este lugar. la verdad no puedo ver atras y pensar que hubo algo que no hice.. casi todas las ideas que me cruzaron por la cabeza se materializaron tarde o temprano

y ahora, el futuro, 13 de julio, la fecha de mi ida de india... trece de julio. al fin tiene nombre, dia y mes. 26 de agosto 2009, 13 de julio 2011. guau. si que son casi dos años completos con sus breaks de por medio

creo que sacrifique muchas cosas al venir aqui, y bien como dijo michael el gap year podria no darme las respuestas que busco, pero creo que no vendra mal.

quiero reconectar con la gente de guatemala, con mi familia, con mis tias, con mis amigos. presiento que tendre que saltar muchos obstaculos para llegar a ellos (o prejuicios, si llamamos las cosas por su nombre).

por ahora, es hora de dormir y hora de intentar soñar para estar despierto a primera hora.

falling apart

This week has been crazy. Not so much about stress as it has been about hits in the face and stretching. In the figurative sense of the phrase.

this week i've lived to the very edge of my capacities one of the most important lessons in my time as a UWC student: communication is the answer to resolution of conflicts

the couple of past entries in this blog have just been to blow off steam from the things i've felt and put myself through over the past week. It was a mentally, emotionally, and physically chalenging week, as I was leading a discussion with our headmaster along with Alejandro, my coyear from Venezuela) We presented our views and interests as those of our peer students in relation to a proposal that just turned into a big fight with a very sticky environment

la chispa

Me sorprende mucho ver lo poco que he escrito este semestre en relación al semestre anterior.

Hoy me siento como si la gran cantidad de energía e ideas y cosas que tenía por hacer van siendo menos y menos importantes. Es triste verme a mi mismo en esta situación.

and so I gave peace a chance

Today I felt like I was ready for the world to turn on itself.

Looking at pictures and writing and working a feeling of accomplishment is settling in. The things I wanted
to discover about myself and the world here in this opportunity have happened, and whatever extra things
I happened to experience outside of those expectations have been very big blessings.

But today for the first time I felt like it's time to let the winds blow my boat to other lands. Over the
past few days I've been saying that I'm sick of this place, that I want to get out of here, but today
I feel like it's time.

After an amazing theater workshop that turned my mood on itself and made me smile for the first time
in a while, I was walking for dinner from my house and I felt grad to be exactly that. The world will
turn on itself. My world, my space and the places I've seen and been will collapse onto each other and
become memories for me to carry wherever my choices and those of others that affect me will lead.

I last week I felt like I had broken-up with MUWCI, now I feel like I'll remember it as the pictures of
an amazing trip I did, that was horrible at times, but from which I preserve amazing life lessons and
friends.

The mere fact that I'm looking at options outside of this place with such peace and eagerness show me
that I'm growing more and more ready to spread my wings again. Of course, it will be extremely hard to
leave this place and all of the people I met here only to find some of them outside of this beautiful
hill. But that's just the way life works, we move on, we keep our friends, or not.

I feel more and more thankful for this feeling. For it will let me leave my place here in peace, and I will not
leave MUWCI like I would leave out of a cage, running for freedom. I will pack and probably cry my eyes out
on the last weeks, but I will look onto the future (wherever and whatever that entails) with a smile.

High Hills

I went on a walk yesterday. It was meant to be a hike, a hike to stay at the top of Mt. Wilkinson and get the f*ck away from the pressure of this place. But we didn't have enough water. So we walked I think 1/4th of the way, and sat there talking about things on a sleeping bag on top of the dry weeds. Probably there were snake nests below us.

Then we came down to a clearing, next to the shiva shrine. From there I could talk about things, and literally let out whatever my chest was generating inside me beyond the air I exhaled. And I talked to my friend about how I felt. Drained, exhausted, left at point zero. Powerless. Buzz lightyear finally exhausted his batteries, or maybe someone just pulled him by the string in his back. There were two snake skins next to the place where we were laying, and there was the sky above us. The moon was nowhere to be found, maybe she was also hiding because she didn't know what to do.  I stayed on the ground looking at the star, and I told my friend that one of the reasons I was keen on getting my glasses was because I couldn't see the stars without them.

I was laying on top of the sleeping bag, looking at whatever my eyes were perceiving in that blinding darkness because the moon refused to shed light on me. I was pouring words and feelings out. But the feelings kept coming back, I was a sacred elixir that never emptied its carry. Finally he asked me to close my eyes and focus, and I felt all those feelings were in my forehead. Then I was asked to give those feelings a color. I felt like I was looking at water from below the surface. When the little waves crashed against each other, they turned black as they came back. The right side of the water was green, the other side was yellow; so no, I couldn't pick a single color, since the colors were as complex as the knot I had created inside and around me.  I was also asked to give a texture, but I couldn't find the words to explain I feeling I had when I touched the essence of that feeling, even if I saw a hand dipping into it and feeling it amongst the tips of its fingers.

Then my friend asked me to sit straight, and close my eyes again, and think of my favorite place in the world. My thoughts went to my aunts' house, but I remembered that when I've been there it's because I've needed to get away from problems, not because there were no problems at all. So I went backwards, way far in time and memories, and I found my little room. The room where I used to play with building bricks which were red and blue and green and yellow. That was my space where nothing else mattered, and there were no problems till the day the black came into my life as an inkload.

In there, I saw my forehead filled with this liquid, which was now white. My forehead was filled with the liquid, and I saw it being slowly drained, like a thick milk through my cheeks to my arms and out through the tips of my fingers inside my fists. It was dripping into the grass, because I couldn't feel the sleeping bag anymore. I was empty for a second, and then I was asked to think of another liquid, a nicer one, and I thought of a slightly greenish water, almost like the one you would use to make bubbles. Light as a tea but with a slightly artificial color. I imagined the liquid filling my forehead and even the channels till the tip of my fingers.

And I opened my eyes.

And my friend was still there, sitting on his backpack, and I could almost completely describe his outline in the dark, because the moon wasn't there.

Mal sabor de boca

Hoy hace una semana comenzo una de las semanas que me han dejado con el peor sabor de boca al terminar una semana.

Ha sido ya casi una semana desde algo que comenzo como una propuesta para quedarnos un par de dias mas en el campus despues de la graduacion, que se volvio en una impresion de que el director nos habia engañado, a una guerra de e-mails (al mejor estilo juego de ping-pong) a una reunion de estudiantes que nos unio y a una reunion de colegio que quebro algo en la comunidad (no se esta muy seguro sobre que fue lo que se quebro). Luego paso a un dia de ermitaño y a una tarde de tareas y una reunion con el director y una pelea con el venezolano y otra fase de ermitaño y todo todo todo todo todo todo todo que me harta y que por eso me voy a la montaña mañana por la noche.

a week back and the world has changed on its tip

A week back here is a long time. Many things happen, you get happy, tired, pissed and angry with yourself. Right now I'm the last phase of these. Yet once again I did something stupid, or said something I should have, or failed a paper.

On monday I was tired of being here, even if the night before I had an amazing butter-melting talk with someone I like. Then on Tuesday I stressed out about my Econ paper (or better said, how bad it went), then I started speaking to my teachers about my grades, and on Wednesday I came to the conclusion that I have to sit and work more regularly this term. I got a post-it that turned my head around, but it also pushed me to take a call. Then on Thursday I was pissed again at people here, more specifically faculty, new faculty, and I also got excited because my CI is up and running again. Finally today I'm pissed at myself, and thinking again about the future, and about what I did wrong, and about why I still want to be here, and about the amount of work I´ve kept postponing this week.

I think it's time for me to grow up and start thinking more before speaking. I think it's also time for me to start working as much as I should.

Probably this is one of the last large lessons I´ll learn from being here. A time comes when the things we don't want to face are inevitable, and they're coming, no matter what we do, or say or think, they're coming. We have to decide what do we want to do when those come.

90 ways of thinking and feeling

the 90th entry goes for the same number of ways of looking at and thinking about muwci right now.

i could definitely stay and travel for three or four more weeks with no shelter for the night and no meal garanteed, maybe for the thrill of it or maybe because it represents not going back to muwci for a while. it's a peter pan feeling i think.

the last term at muwci has finally come, i think i can associate each of my terms with a part of the trimurti, the 1st, brahma, creation, the term of discovery, shock and starting a new life from zero. the 2nd, vishnu, the conservation, the time when things seemed eternal and yet they were not. the term i've been the most homesick so far, and the term that has felt the longest, in which i got closer and closer to my friends (particularly my now gone second years). the 3rd one was mayhem destruction and dance, like shiva. the hardest so far, and the one that i've also enjoyed the most. the one where i realized my second years were gone, and because of that destruction came to the muwci i had known before this term. now... even the future is laid out, so what's there to do for the 4th one, the last one, the best one (as i want it to be).

i feel sad deep down because i'm going to miss this place, but i also feel like i'm getting fed up with it slowly. i couldn't take one more year i think... i also have a lot of plans and new things i want to do, but i want to preserve what i have and i also know that it's the one where i have to wrap up many things.... maybe i'm done with everything and will achieve moksha.

also i think that if the day before i came to india for the first time, and the week before i left back for guate last year where a whirlwind of mixed feelings, this term that trouble will be my friend.

reading books and buying them and reading reading and learning stuff has shown me a growing side of myself.

and well, while yes, i have a lot of work to do and my mini peter pan scheme is a way of TRYING to get away from that, i also miss the people, and i like this state of knowing when i'll see them again, while when i see them again right now, i'll do it in mind of knowing i'm leaving that place in may.

there's plans for the future (including a year in guatemala) which are scary but in place, and that i'm also looking forward to.

i'm not too sure about if the things i want to regain where ever there, but i guess can only find out.

travelling with rickie and victoria proved to be a nice experience, all and all, and i'll include bits and pieces of my writings on a little red notebook here soon, which is why there was no emotionally charged and epiphany-style note this year here on my blog.

happy new year!