Fracaso, reconocimiento, esfuerzo, éxito

[esto es de hace algunos días]

Honestamente, no me gusta cuando pierdo una parte de la perspectiva sobre este lugar que tenía antes de venir. Cada cosa que es tan especial a simple vista aquí se convierte en mundana, común y tradicional. Creo que es aquí donde me acuerdo que el que me rechazaran dos veces al aplicar para entrar fue en realidad una ganancia. Puedo darme cuenta de estas cosas que a los ojos de muchos pasan desapercibidas, y lo que es peor, o se dan cuenta muy tarde, o no se dan cuenta nunca del valor, lo raro y lo especial de este colegio.

Haber fallado flagrantemente en uno de mis exámenes recientementes es un recordatorio de que no soy perfecto ni omnipotente, y que necesito dedicarle a cada cosa el tiempo que necesita, no el que yo creo que es necesario para que lo recuerde en el examen.

Pero creo que son más las conversaciones que tengo aquí las que me van llenando de varias perspectivas sobre este lugar y sobre la vida y lo que hacemos. Y estar lleno de ellas para poder luego tomar una opinión o un enfoque hacia cómo manejo mi vida acá es una de las cosas que mas agradezco.

Hago aquí una nota para recordarme para el futuro:

NO ERES PERFECTO NI OMNIPOTENTE,

EL ÉXITO ES EL HIJO DEL ESFUERZO

La paz está dentro de ti.

Preguntate si estás dispuesto realmente a comprometerte a lograr lo que necesitás Y luego lo que querés.

Khristian

Sounds of innocence and experience

This ending week has been very life changing.

By talking to Gauri (a source of inspiration and wisdom that has taken the form of an IB English teacher and University Guidance counsellor) I realized a lot of things. I came to India for a reason. All the things that happened for me to get here seem almost planned now that I look back. Maybe destiny, maybe energy, maybe karma, I don't know, I don't know if I'll ever have a definite answer. It gave me a lot of peace, I felt a lot more awake, and happy afterwards. Meditation is helping as well. Now I just wake up like an hour before class and I'm super awake. And I've learned the importance of some things, like taking significant care of all of myself, not just eating and sleeping but also getting peace and rest when I need it. Now I've come to a point where I need to sit and start taking things off my back. Overworking myself, even though I've got a special passion or reason for each of the things I do and that doesn't make them feel like a load, is not helping.

Then another conversation with Rickie, one of my first years, I regained much of the energy and will I had to learen about the world. Coming to India is a chance to take a travel inside yourself, augmented by the UWC experience. Just imagine, a chance where you can compare, contrast and adjust your lifestyle with so many different ways of looking at life from so many countries, and it's all happening in the culture where teachers are above god and father and mother. The place where knowledge is what brings you closer to your "higher being". The place where the spirit and the body become almost a dicotomy and at the same time parts of a whole. I feel really blessed to be here. And I discovered that being the emotional (sometimes dramatic) human being I am, I should use that energy as my trigger to follow my passions and goals instead of rationalizing. Understanding why I need to go to school was not enough to actually push me to go and do things. Experiencing and connecting what I'm learning here to what drives me and makes the world go round for me is really what has changed the way I see school. It's the way in which I can learn to improve my self understading, the way in which I can hone myself to go out and do what I love and change the world accordingly.  I felt selfish as well. This is such an expensive oportunity in many ways. The amount of time, money, effort and interest that is put in getting each of us here is amazingly big, and having that in mind I just can't see how people can go on and living a live only for themselves afterwards. It's so easy to turn that around and say that giving back is to "pay" back the scholarship we get. But it's not only about the money, you can give back in so many ways. This place depends on it. So many people could benefit by dividing all the resources spent in only ONE of us... and we're at least 200 students.

Finally, I feel like I could never give up this oportunity. And even though the time will come for us to go, as it came for our second years, it comes with the package.

So for now, let's live in the present. The happy, overworked, diverse, but full of things to offer present.

Like a pressure cooker

Pissed, and wanting to shout, or to press myself like a button into the nothing not to be seen.
Trying to calm, but I don't know if rationalizing will do anymore.
I need a friend next to me. And then I have a math test.
My calculator is gone. What am I going to do about that?

And the need (or want?) for someone next to me. Someone to lean on.

Can I stand on my own? I really wonder that.

Am I the Co-Dependent?

Holy crap.

Eyes

Eyes reflect fear and joy and feelings. Looking at someone's eyes will tell you a lot about them, but I think the scariest thing, is that you can't do it without giving away a bit of yourself as well. You have to open your windows completely to look inside someone else's eyes.

A few days ago I stared one of my biggest fears into the eyes. It gave me nauseas, it made me scared, I even cried with the thoughts. I started writing a poem -or whatever that outpour of words can be called- and without realizing I started crying. The funny thing is that, as many other intense and strong feelings, this one was triggered because I started reading a book. It was really frightening, and I had to speak to one of my friends because of that. I figured out that I'm too much of an emotional mess sometimes, and I'm very emotional most of the time, so I needed someone who's very rational: Andrés came to the rescue.

The funny thing about Andrés is that he's one of the very few people I know out of whom I don't mind hearing what I don't want to (in a few ocassions): the truth.

After I finished the book I felt actually inspired to face my fears. But it implies a lot so let's see how it goes.

I'm not that scared to look into the eyes of that fear anymore. Or that's what I think.

LIFE - Best if consumed unexpectedly

Sometimes the things we fear to do the most are the least horrible ones in the end. I've talked about that before. But I've recently discovered that if you don't plan your life in advance too much, life will surprise you, like the butterfly that you chase and chase but always goes away, but sits on your cheek if you stay still.


I realized that thanks to someone here, both because of what he said and what he did afterwards.


I wonder if the nature of this blog will change after almost a year of life. I mean, at first it was a place where I could go on and on about how I felt, more than actual adventures it's been more of a confessionary, a diary of crises and realizations - like Ayesha would expect it. 


But now I feel the need to move it on a bit, I mean, of course my dramatic and emotional self will still be there, but now that I'm comfortable here I want to make this onto something a bit more elaborate. I (and hopefully all you visitors around the world) will see how that goes.


I thought 2nd year was only about having the same amount of work as the 1st year, but just that you needed to know how to handle it better. It's a bit more than that -at least academically-. So far I've been struggling a lot with that, but also with a sort of memento mori. Last year I always used to say that the 2nd year is harder because you realize your days in India are counted, but actually they've been counted since before you came here, more or less 2 years is the average for most MUWCI students. Now that my feet take me around the hallways and paths of the school I feel so much more at home here, but I also don't have thoughts of how will this place be next year. I mean, I do, but not in a way that excites me to rush and experience them. Probably the school will change a lot with us gone, a few more teachers might leave this year, and oh well, there's not much we can do about it. After all it's the permanent elements of life here which define it in the end. 


That's also why I wonder if it's actually worth fighting about little details. When we are resilient to a new rule, a new gate, a new change imposed or discussed by the headmaster, we could only be delaying the inevitable. 


Now this is not my optimistical and marguerite usual self, but it's just what I think.


"Big Jumps" I remember I sang before coming here, don't be afraid to break some bones. Now I've got another jump to make at the end of this experience (of which I have a bit less than half left), back into the West. I'll move again between the familiar and unfamiliar (with no Iron Curtain that helps define them and orient myself).


But then again, that's what I'm doing here! I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. For now I just want it to stay.


---


Now that school has almost a month of being back in motion I start to feel taken into its atmosphere again. I want that routine to start. (Ask me a week or two after it has and I'll tell you I hate it: but that's just me, my green, deery, artsy, unstable me.)


---


I was reading about this author called Sylvia Plath, whose poems are quite read by teenagers in high school according to Michael. He gave us an extensive essay to read for homework, which basically describes her work in an academic way. What surprises me is that the poetry that seemed so familiar to me, so natural and normal, is described by the author as made by Plath in such a way that her feelings and interpretation of the world takes the center stage. Her feelings of death, of pain, interpret the rest of the world (if there is such) as confirmations of those feelings, or momentary breaks from them.


I felt it resembled a lot to my blog. Very introspective, as Avaneesh said.


But then, if a writer doesn't write about him/herself, what should they write about? I don't want to be a silent and passive observer who describes this world and its details to you my readers, because it's just impossible for me to talk about it without imprinting the feelings it catalyzes in me.


I guess I'll have to figure it out.


AND now that I remember, in my list of things to do, there's something quite important: learn to work in Art to overcome that structure and routine that has been imposed for 2nd year work. Ironically, the structure is only for us to submit 2 pieces a month and also the Research Workbook. Even something as small as that killed my passion for the subject in the past few weeks, but I think I can find a way of make it bright and interesting again - hopefully.

I think I'll never get over it

Being away from my 2nd years is something I just have to deal with

finally, something in my life for which there's simply no solution, just live with it.. move on, try as hard as I did before to be happy, and smile at life, smile at a sky when it's raining and giving me disease, and don't try too much to make this an amazing year... just let it flow

i found a song today in my brother's jango which is amazingly good for me right now.

green eyes by coldplay

honey you are a rock
upon which i stan
and i come here to talk
i hope you understand
...

'cause i came here with a load, and it feels so much ligther now i've met you

...

letting go bit by bit

finally being myself,

it feels funny, a bit awkward, but that's how baby calves learn to run and that's how i'll learn to be myself [and happy while at it] in every sense of the word

green eyes

now it's just a matter of accepting work
and accepting having less time
and accepting first years bit by bit
and accepting my second years away
and thinking about this week only, i've done enough thinking about the future

and singing, and crying, and walking under the rain, and talking to people, and holding back when i should, and letting go when i really should

love from the hill

khristian