Un año

Alguna vez les ha pasado que se ven en el espejo y se ven diferentes?

No se hicieron nada, no se cambiaron nada, pero algo, algo algo algo detrás de los ojos como digo yo, algo cambió.

Imagínate pasar de ser alguien con quien no estabas cómodo a pasar a ser alguien con quien te sentís orgulloso de ser, y contento de ser. De que te sabes reír de tus errores, de la vida, que afrontas las pérdidas con madurez y la usual descompostura temporal, de que tus prioridades ya no son las mismas.

Y en tu corazón llevás a esas personas que han cambiado tu vida -por poco tiempo que hallás pasado con ellas- y esas otras personas que están ahi siempre, más a menudo que de a poco, y a veces son tantas pero tan diferentes y unicas que uno no se olvida de ellas.

Quizas es el mood que tengo hoy en dia, pero asi me sentí hoy. Pararme hoy enfrente de los salones de clase donde estudiaba el año pasado, sentado, callado, inseguro, trabajador, y luchando por lo que quería pero con miedo a alzar la voz; pararme hoy en esos lugares que antes me intimidaban y que hoy hablar sobre lo que aprendí, pensar en lo que me convertí, pensar en quien soy hoy en dia, y ver el contraste, la yuxtaposición de presente y pasado, fue como ver a contraluz dos papeles que te dan formas que nunca imaginaste: y las formas son geniales.

Y luego regresé, y me vi en el espejo, y sentí que por primera vez me vi claramente la cara. Que siempre habia estado el prejuicio, las ideas que tenia sobre como soy y como me veo, y ya no estaban. Igual y es un emotional breakthrough, y solo estoy teniendo el rush de emociones que se siente luego de eso.

Pero se siente bien.

Y es algo que no quiero perder, el recordar que en menos tiempo del que creo, con la actitud correcta, puedo ver las cosas de otra forma, y aprender y aprender y aprender y seguir viviendo una vida humana, no perfecta, siempre de un lado del sube y baja, que no puedo parar. 

But don't forget enjoy the ride.

Let's put the cards on the table / Pongámos las cartas sobre la mesa

 Imagine me playing a game of cards, it's hard, it's confusing, and it takes a lot of time to think about what you're doing, because the bottom line is, you don't want to make a mistake. And then you remember, there's a ctrl + z: undo. That's the sweetest discovery you've done in your life. If you make a mistake, you can press those 2 keys, and the game goes back to how it was before you made that choice. And then after playing a while, you lose. Only to get a screen that says, you can either try another game, or press undo to unmake the moves you did. So you choose the second one, and you try, for the sake of it, to press crtl + z more than once. Your inside smiles when you see all your moves go back to a clean slate, depending on how many times you press the keys they've told you.

I think if life had a ctrl + z perhaps I would be less scared of taking decisions. Somewhere I read that Libarians are like that, we hate having to make choices, because even though we have an amazing sense of justice – which I like to think I have – we always consider both choices carefully, afraid to take the wrong one. I guess we can only make moves based on what is the actual situation of the game. Unless you pay very close attention to the deck of cards in front of you, there's only so much you can predict about what'll happen – actually, it's based on those tiny predictions that you make the choices. You look into the future. So where does the fear of making decisions come from? Mistakes will hapen to everyone, and you'll make tons and tons and tons of them in your life, the key is – as I always say to my friends or the people who ask me for advice (once in a blue moon) – to look at mistakes as learning lessons, and not just as mistakes. But what if the mistake is a huge choice of life? Like a career, or the person you want to marry, and then you hate what you're studying halfway through college, and you also divorce. You feel like crap.

Well, a lot of people have made such mistakes (or worse ones) in their lives. And they didn't die. No one said you would, in the first place, but then what happes in you're alive, but your life sucks? Then.... you cope. You learn to look at it as a choice you made and was not the right one, and live your life the best you can, not looking at it as you fucked it up, but as in you make the most out of the life you have. For someone who wants to do something, there'll always be a way; and for those who don't want to, there'll always be an excuse.

The most important thing, is that this is the life. This is how life happens, and unless you actually know every strand of possibilities and their outcomes, you're likely to make mistakes. So go out there, and make decisions, don't let other people make them for you. Inform yourself as much as you can about your choices, and what they would bring. On the deck of cards example, trying to take a good look at the deck of cards before moving is wise. And play, play with passion, play with no fear. Play like there's no tomorrow.

I leave you with the soundtrack for this entry:
Los dejo con la cancion de fondo para esta entrada:

Algo en mis adentros

Algo en mis adentros me grita que me tome un año (al estilo gap year).

Una idea, un trabajar por algo, unas ganas de hacer las cosas bien, pero.. por donde empezar?

Hace unos días platicando con mi hermano grande (el segundo), tuve una idea asi de -click- que me puso la cabeza a pensar y planear y emocionarme (como hago usualmente) y que me hizo sentir como si ya estuviera adulto - y tengo 17 -

.Me senti bien porque es una idea que puedo usar para mejorar la calidad de vida de la gente de mi pais, con un poco de esfuerzo, ademas estaría un año en Guatemala antes de irme a la U, y haria algo que me ayudaria un monton en mi curriculum. Pero... por donde empezar? Creo que al final encontre una forma de darme cuenta que si puedo usar el diseño para ayudar a las personas -gracias Infografias e infographics- y es algo que cada vez que lo pienso me quita el sueño, me emociona y me aterra a la vez: imagínate un gap year trabajando por Guatemala! wow

Creo que lo que necesito es sentarme a pensar, sentarme a decidir, platicar con los amigos que me conocen bien, y decidir. Pensar en qué necesito, pensar en qué requerira de mi parte, a quién necesito, conocer gente con perspectivas diferentes, diferentes sistemas educativos, cosas así.

 Quizas lo que mas siento es miedo a cometer un error. Como dice Andrés, me vuelco a las cosas que me fascinan, que me apasionan, pero no quiero que ese esfuerzo sea en vano.

Por cierto, la relación con mi hermano mayor ha mejorado bastante -sorpresivamente-.

Quizás los dos maduramos,

No Tomorrow, Not Today

Today I talked like there was no tomorrow.

Good Old Friends, who reminded me they're there.

And today I started thinking about careers again. Scared as shit of making the wrong choice. I know I won't regret Graphic Design in college, but what about later? Hmm maybe Pedagogy! I've always said I'll end up as a teacher.

I guess it all comes to the point where (because I'm filling my student recommendation forms) I HAVE to decide. Khristian, so what's it going to be?

I've always looked at people that are so decided on what they want to be, my friend Andrés Olivares for example, he wants to do Math & Physics: "I've always known it". There's also Daniel Jofre (with home I had a weird relationship at school - perhaps rivalry, I don't know) who is studying Architecture, but he decided it long ago as well. Ana Liz Orantes, how to forget her, she's going to be a lovely doctor.

And then after the whole list of people I know that know what to do with their lives: dowwwn the line of people that are applying to college or in college already, there's me.

What is it about me? What do I actually like? Well I like art, maybe it's gone past behind me now that I haven't done any decent art. Oh but there's that rush in the base of my spine that reminds me how I feel after I create something I'm very fond of. Then there's also the fact that I like to help people, I like to start things, I like to lead things, I like to teach things - maybe because all of this makes me feel important. And I like to create things so people can ask "Who did it?".

Yeah, maybe selfish, but hey, that's how I am, not how I chose to be.

Anyway. So that creative, altruistic, leaderish - selfish - me has to find something to do for a living. What in the world would that be?

I've always thought that I could achieve anything I proposed, if I had to work with maths, then I'd push the shit out of me to accomplish it - and boy do I know what pushing myself is.

Hmmm I guess there's something I did realize today, talking to a friend who now is doing Chemical Engineering, one of my previous career options: He said he wondered what would've happened if he had studied medicine.

Damn, and that's true.

There'll always be that wondering. Maybe some Indian or Mayan rite will help me decide. Maybe seeing Nydia in a couple of weeks. Or they might just be of no help in this topic and once again, it all really comes down to my shoulders and the head above them: decide. Soon.

- The change of background is because the other theme wasn't working properly anymore -

On other news, in like May I decided I would start designing the new planner for the school's next academic year. It's a lot of work, but it's nearly done now, my only problem is the freaking cover:

I've done three designs, of which I like the most recent one, but there's something it lacks, any ideas?

The first attempt - May 2010

The second attempt - June 2010

The third attempt - July 2010
(and the one I?m planning to keep

Aaand based on those, there's also three back covers, with the calendars for that :P

What else, oh yeah, I've got 2 weeks left before I leave for India again. What will I do ? Shit, maybe I don't want to leave this soon. Sometimes I do, but not right now, not today.

For now, it's 3 am again, and I need to sleep. Tomorrow it's going to be a long day... (sometimes I think I predispose myself).

Sashimi de Sirenas

Fue hace algunos minutos leyendo wallposts de mi grupo de MUWCI el año pasado que me di cuenta que gasto una cantidad muy grande de energía tratando de caerle bien a mis coaños.

Y lo peor, es que no funcionaba. En algun lugar de mi mente quería caerle bien a todos.

"What in the fucking world (was I thinking)?!"

Pero creo que necesitaba darme cuenta de eso.

Quizás era por eso de tener una perfect UWC experience y tener muchos amigos asi super close.

Mentiras! Quienes son mis amigos ahora son mis amigos porque me quieren como soy, no porque les parezco amable. Y si quiero ser amigo de alguien pero no sé cómo... llegará el día. Y si no, hay miles de personas afuera!!

Oxygen

Así se siente

Y todo gracias a una canción rara que escuché en un canal que produce un exalumno de mi colegio de Guate.

Coincidencia.

Casualidad.

Destino.

Lo que sea.

Pasó!

Y he aquí la canción que sonaba mientras tanto:

Sashimi de Sirenas, de Juan Sol.



Hmmmm tal vez tiene que ver con el Sol.

Naaah


Lo único no tan alegre, pero humano:

Me tomó 60 entradas del blog darme cuenta de eso.

Como dije, "humano"

Entonces?

So, what's the point of it all?


Today, we had a UWC Workshop called "Why to do something? - Young people for a social change".


It raised a lot of questions in my head when I saw my 12th (?) year presenting all that he had done since his graduation from RCNUWC. It's as if, he's the type of person that I want to be. I'm not so sure. Helping the people with less resources, helping the environment, studying really hard to do all of this, it must be a rewarding life. What's a graphic designer to do about all of this? I can't say.


It was also damn tiring, from 7 to 7.
But it was definitely worth it.


I got the chance to present a workshop on Creativity, for which I was kind of shit-scared. Less than usual. But it was a rewarding experience overall. 


Arpita has told me that the world is not changed by a revolution only, but by small things as well. I've wondered sometimes, when I felt like the world needed to revolt in order to accept something that I saw in myself, I saw that feeling come from deep inside me. Maybe I just want a revolution because of that. Yes, UWC is an amazing experience. Yes, we make amazing friends there. Yes, we learn a lot. But.


What's the point of it all?


I really sound like someone I dislike sometimes, asking what's the point of everything. 

The ponytail

Today it's year since I cut my hear last. And in a year, many things can happen. But this is the first time I actually want to give it a try in describing in a different way.

At this point, I feel a bit numb inside, as if the real me is somewhere in there, waiting to get out through my speech. Finding my writers' voice has to do with less lying, so from now on, I'll think more about what I want to say. It's not that I lie everytime I speak either. If there's something I do in this blogpost is to write as honest as possible about how I feel. Otherwise there's no point.

Now see, somewhere I read that being fake doesn't bring you many friends, duh, maybe that is my case? But I'm not fake. Yes, but you know you lie sometimes, those white lies, and those times you lie when you want to get advantage of stuff. Damn it. Khristian, now you'll count how many times you lie in a day. Jajaja, This is like the movie. Anyway.

And then there's the times when I feel that connection with people, but why the hell am I feeling alone most of the times? Why is it that I feel like that after UWC, when people makes this larger-than-life friendships... mmmm maybe it's just an adjustment process. My second year was to be like wow, and it will be, if I finish the f*cking workload I have (damn you, Extended Essay).

Anyway, the ponytail thing, I thought about it yesterday. I think it's something that gives me a signature, a personality. It's not a generic good old fashioned short hair anymore. That's why I like it. But the cool thing, is that it took a whole year to be there, and that takes effort, patience, and putting up with damn horrible heat waves at MUWCI. It's representative I think, of what I learned, and what I grew as a human being there.

And, you, what is your ponytail?

That sounds like those pep talk blogs, "Find your ponytail, it's there inside you".

"Moats and boats and waterfalls".

Alone

"He's afraid of dying alone"

"Killing loneliness"

"Truth is, I like being alone"

"Oh soledad, dime cuándo un día habrá,

entre tu y el amor buena amistad"

Vuelve conmigo a dibujar las olas del mar.

No dejo entrar a las personas. Las dejo entrar hasta la distancia que me es cómoda a mí. Lo cual es normal, pocos hacen algo con lo que no se sienten cómodos. Pero... hay quienes sí dejan entrar personas. Yo no bajo la guardia. Por qué? La bajo falsamente para acercarme a algunas personas? O será que solo me engaño sobre el hecho de creerme engañar?

Quiero bajar esa guardia. Estar solo es más fácil, así es como siempre ha sido, desde pequeño. Las personas ven sólo el lado que yo controlo que vean de mí.